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And the Winner Is…

IT IS that time of year again when we hand out our annual rugby awards - well, it would be if we’d also ever done it at least one other time before now. In no particular order, nor for any preconceived reason real, imagined or otherwise except for the fact they’ve caught our attention...here are the year’s major prize recipients:

Friday, 04 December 2009

Martin Devlin

The ‘Onny Parun eck-Cord Award’ for employing a really weird gadget that , yet, appears to instantly improve performance – goes to the All Blacks’ lineout platform.
To think that a bit of scaffolding was all it has taken to simplify the unsolvable is the sort of No 8-wire-attitude that defines Kiwi invention.
The ‘Bring Back Buck Memorial Trophy’ awarded to the single event that most helps resurrect an old classic and much-loved piece of New Zealand rugby folklore – goes to Southland winning the Ranfurly Shield and holding onto it throughout the summer, just brilliant!
The ‘Clive Woodward 10-man Rugby Urn’ for finding the best mind-numbingly dull way to consistently win – goes to South Africa. Drop-kicks from halfway, penalties from 60 metres, yahoo.
The ‘George Orwell Big Brother Is Watching You 1984 Edition’ – goes to the Dark Forces that conspired against Murray Mexted for speaking his mind about something the whole audience was speaking its mind over.
The ‘Marty Berry I Was on For Almost One Minute Cap’ – goes to Aled de Malmanche whose almost-appearance in Wellington against France wasn’t either officially long enough or long officially enough to qualify as an All Black. He can put this one beside his real, earned caps!
The ‘Canterbury Rugby Union Blueprint’ for sheer sleep-inducing consistency of high-level performance and achievement – goes to Canterbury, for once again proving they are the masters of sleep-inducing consistency etc blah blah blah.
The ‘Wayne Barnes Bedtime-reading Collectors Rulebook’ – goes to Stu Dickinson from Australia who’s policing of the scrums in the Milan test achieved the incomparable levels of utter buffoonery displayed so determinedly by Barnes himself at Cardiff  two years previous.
The ‘Otago Rugby Union Replica Ranfurly Shield’ for never getting your hands on the actual prize – goes to poor old Wellington. Five losses in six NPC finals or some other equally appalling statistic. Isn’t there something about ‘there always being next year’, or something?
The ‘Shayne Philpott Biggest Bolter’ for surprise selection in an All Black squad’– goes to Otago’s Ben Smith making the end-of-year All Black tour up north.
The ‘Schalk Burger’ for name that most sounds like something you’d order with fries’n’shake – goes to South African Schalk Burger (hold the gherkin, please).
The ‘Buck Shelford Beyond-the-call-of-duty Sack’ for permanent scarring after injury in action – goes to captain Richie McCaw still sporting his facial grass-burn from Africa.
The ‘Freebie Tickets’ we’d love to be giving away if only we had any to the Wellington Sevens for reminding us of the reason we fell in love with this sport played in heaven’ – goes to...the Wellington Sevens Because rugby is fun, remember?
The ‘It’s My Ball and I’m Going Home end-of-game’ – goes to All Black coach Graham Henry for his protestations about the world and Tri Nations champions South Africa playing ‘boring rugby’. Never sounds nearly as convincing when the ‘boring’ team’s just beaten you convincingly three times in a row.
The ‘Filth/Grizz/Pole/Cowboy Really Cool Nickname’ to a true throwback to a time when players were called something other than their own surnames with an ‘-ey’ on the end...’- The Beast – aka Springbok prop Tendai Mtawarira.
The ‘Jarryd Hayne Brilliant Attacking Flair From Anywhere Accelerator’ to the player or players most able to wow the neutral fan, by sheer indulgent on-field excellence, into tuning evermore into your beloved sport - no Recipient this year. Or last. The judges deemed that Steyn’s colossal drop-kicks and penalties for South Africa were unsuitable in keeping with the nature of the award.
The ‘David Haye beats Nikolai Valyuev/ David Scones Goliath Sling’ – goes to Tasman for beating Auckland in the ANZ Cup. That’s Nelson Bays and Marlborough beating the biggest, richest rugby union in the country right there. In New Zealand. In 1st division rugby, you know. That’s Nelson and Blenheim smacking up on the fattest-cat big-knobber union in the joint since forever. True story. David ko’s Goliath – just like the Bible said etc
The ‘All Whites Achieve the Impossible Dream’ - goes to Scotland for beating Australia 9-8! True story! David doing Goliath, again! Nov 21st, 2009 at Murrayfield – the funniest day in sport since Saracens beat the, ha ha world/Tri Nation champions, Springboks four days previous!
Have a happy Christmas everyone and a beautifully safe New Year. Just think, Super 14 starts in a matter of weeks...

 

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